Open letter to my past self

I've just finished college and in hind sight, things are different now than they were my first semester which prompted this. 

Dear Leah, 

You're starting college soon and I know that a part of you is excited and another, larger part of you is worried about your friends moving on without you. Don't be. You're all still going to be best friends and stay in each other's lives even though they're all there and you're here. You really do have a great set of friends you know, ones who understand your need for space and allow you that instead of pushing you. You guys are friends for life. 

You're starting out college with rose coloured glasses on. You just finished your Ig's so you're thinking you've got time before your exams. You can pull this off and wing it just like you've been doing your entire life. Sorry to break it to you but you're wrong. Deathly wrong. You should have started working sooner rather than later and methodically working through your subjects would have saved you so much trouble later on. 

You'll get a huge blast from your past your first day at college and let me just tell you, it's going to be an interesting ride for sure. Don't let this discourage you, it will get better and you'll come to an understanding. 

You'll start to notice people dropping Chem like it's the plague. Don't give in to peer pressure. You should have analysed the pros and the cons more seriously and actually put in effort before throwing in the towel. You weren't struggling as hard as you thought you were, you just weren't putting in the effort. And that goes for all your subjects because tell me, how does one go from scoring the highest in your class to barely passing? 

You're going to get your IG results and it will haunt you. Your B in maths will mar and scare you probably for life because you refused to deal with it properly. You put on a brave face and acted like it didn't bother you much but you and I both know how much it actually hurt. You'll question your entire self worth after that grade and you'll give up. Babe, you have so much potential to throw it all away for a grade. 

When you start your second semester it will be hell. You will hate every waking moment and you will force yourself to wake up every morning and drag yourself to class. You consider dropping out and love, I'm so glad you never did because you came out a stronger person for it. You're struggling to cope with exams and learning new material and feeling unhappy that you start to feel overwhelmed and your natural response is to not do anything but drown your sorrows in a TV show because their drama will resolve itself but yours won't. If only you knew how much everyone else was struggling too. It wasn't an even playing field and it probably will never be. People had help, lots of it and when you learn of it you're going to feel so cheated and betrayed but it's the sad truth. Just keep pushing and fighting and please talk to someone. Tell someone how you're feeling because you could have avoided so much heartache later. 

Your B in maths really did a number on you. You don't like talking about it but your confidence took a huge hit and you believe that you can't do maths. You can. If only you asked for help sooner you could have scored a solid A. You develop a serous case of exam anxiety and it will drive you up the wall when your "friend" talks about it like it's not an actual problem. It is and I'm proud of you for seeking help when you finally did. Admitting that you have a problem is huge for you and taking that step of faith was commendable. You were vulnerable in front of a complete stranger and that takes a lot.  I'm proud of you. 

More on that "friend". She will call you a weak student to your face and that's all you will hear. You'll feel hurt and this will shatter you a little more because this genius can't process things as fast as you can but her grades prove that she's smarter. She's not. She's not worth your time or energy. 

You will have good days as well. There will be days when you just live in the moment and laugh. Cherish these days. Don't let the fear run in the background, just enjoy the moment you deserve it. It's okay to allow yourself to be caught up in moments of perishable joy because at the end of the day, it will be okay. 

You'll cry a lot this 1.5 years. More than you're willing to admit and more than you've ever cried because of school ever. It's one of the most challenging, frustrating and exhausting experience of your life and I'm so proud that you made it. You've done well for yourself and I know there are moments where you question if you did good enough and you did. You've overcome and dealt with so much and I'm really, really proud of you. You pulled yourself out of your pity party and started working hard despite the overwhelming desire to quit. You kept pushing and striving even when you had to reason to. You dared to dream and in doing so you never cut off anyones wings. Your results aren't out yet but let me tell you this, in this moment I am proud of you and all you've accomplished. You're not defined by your grades and short comings so don't beat yourself up too hard. You need love and care too. 

Love, 
Your future self.