Today was a bad day. Now, if you went to class with me you'd probably question it. When exactly did I feel like today was a bad day? When did it all go wrong? How did you miss it?
The answer, Physics. Now if you really know me, you'd question everything. Physics, really Physics? The subject that I love with the teacher that I like the most- that Physics. Yup.
The dread of the class has been looming. What was once my favourite class is now my least. It's mainly because of how I feel about myself but also the lingering doubt that my teacher now officially thinks I'm stupid. I've yet to revise my Physics because my days are littered with Maths. Ironic how my least favourite paper is now my go to paper when I need a pick me up or to kick start my revision. It's the paper that I've been working on so, naturally, it's the paper that I'm the most motivated to do. Econs is econs and I'm slacking but it's an essay paper and that takes awhile to finish. I'm avoiding Physics because I'm afraid. I need to get an A* and there's no two ways about it. I need someone to believe in me and I need that someone not to be my friend. Because when they say it, all I heard is "yeah, I just want you to stop talking so yeah, I totally think you can do it. Also I'm your friend and I'm obliged to agree so nods head along"
What I really mean is I need someone to believe in me so I can believe in me. Because I don't really. I tell myself that I'm going to get two A*s and a B. I tell myself that but I never say, you can. Because I question my ability. I question how well I can do things and quite frankly I'm questioning everything. I'm unsure about myself and I translate that onto people. I project my insecurity and I put up smoke screens. I pretend that my failures don't bother me but they do. They cut and when I joke about it, it's my way of denying what just happened. I'm not okay with it and it sucks. It hurts and I cry about it, later. It's a delayed reaction of sorts. While most people feel the bitter sting of a cut or the impact of a crash immediately, my first instinct is denial. Denial and joke about it. Never let anyone see how much t hurts and burry it deep. Then one day when it rears it's ugly head, usually on a day that already blows, is when I start to feel it. A small tug at the stitching that bleeds over. It's then that I feel the slow burn of everything, like an all consuming flame that scorches the very depths of my soul consuming me in a spiral of grief and self loathing. It's then that I hole myself up in the bathroom and sob while curling my body in on itself. It's a lonely process that I go through. No one hears me cry and no one hears the insults I hurl at myself like the blows I feel I deserve.
People tell me to be positive, but they don't realise how hard it is. How do you see the light when you've come to accept that the only lights you see are the flashes of lightning before it all pours down. How can you wish upon a star when all you see are bits of fire and gas that are dead, burning out and without potential. Funny, that's how you see yourself. How do you pull yourself out of your spiral of self hatred when you literally can't stand to look in the mirror and see what you've become.
Ten year old you would be ashamed that this is what you've amounted to. You go around mending broken hearts and being there because you know what it's like on the flip side but you'll never ask for help, no. You keep your vulnerability to yourself and maybe it's just a skill you've yet to learn. One day, I hope you learn it for you see, being vulnerable is not easy. It's stripping yourself bare and showing the world all the cards. It's accepting that you need help and that you have weaknesses. It's swallowing your pride and there's something so strong about admitting that you're not perfect and that you need help.
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